[j u n e _ 2 9 ]

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holding hands while watching love, simon 🖤

real friends

i went to the movies today with a group of people. they weren’t friends, to be honest i just met them that day, so they were just random people. since i had a great time i am fine with that. but i’ve started wondering whether real friendship really exists because no no matter where i look and who i speak to i feel this slight bit of fake and hiding. i even feel it in me. and it makes me feel uncomfortable. so is there even a chance to find real friends ? or do you need to be “fake” yourself so you can find people who are equally fake ? or hor haven’t i met the right people yet ? maybe it’s just an age thing. the feeling of not belonging anywhere, trying to fit in. since i have dealt alot with depression and just overall sadness i really wish for “normal” people sometimes. who i can have fun with sometimes. who will still ask me how i am doing. who i am able to tell everything and the other way around.

be the type of person that you want to meet

start things. be the friend in your group who is the reason for fun memories. organize trips to different cities. or concerts. or festivals. show your loved ones good coffee shops and restaurants. go on late night adventures at that one lake. be full of love and brightness. introduce a monthly bake day. love your friends. they deserve nothing less. be full of positivity that everyone feels loved.

[ j u n e _ 2 6 ]

so the past couple days have been rough.

buuut yesterday i went to an arctic monkeys concert, a long time dream come true. y’all know already that this band has supported and lead me through so many years. and i just adore them more than anything else. and the fact that i could listen to them live is just blowing my mind. i am so happy i was not just given the chance but also went there with someone i love. because trust me, nothing beats someone hugging you from behind while hearing the lyrics “i’m too busy being yours too fall for somebody new” or kissing you during “constantly on the cusp of trying to kiss you.” i am so glad we shared this experience together. tbh. and this might seem weird but some screaming fangirls really ruined it for me at some points. i love freaking out on concerts but gurl, don’t scream into my ear for no reason especially when it’s the last song and really emotional. just no. but that was just a little side thing together with the heat and my hurting feet. all in one it was great. it took a lot of time to get back home but i’ve never appreciated my bed more in my entire life. i am in love, a dream came true, i want to go to a concert again and 🖤🖤🖤 // i get sick a lot currently and it’s so annoying because i had plans with a friend and i had to cancel them and i feel so bad ! but i hope since the exams are over i’ll get the chance and time to calm down and care for myself. really gotta stop stressing so much.

word of the day: empathy

I love you so much and i don’t know what kind of force made you fall in love with me and i think i don’t tell you often enough how thankful i am. for your presence in my life. the impact it has. and how you choose to deal with my shit. i am a mess. i know and i decided to work on it. but thank you for being there before i made this decision. i am toxic at times, loud, often without respect, easy to hurt and even easier to make angry. but you’re still there and i feel so bad for making your life worse. that’s the only thing i really care about. how my weak mental health affects your life. how you have to deal with me when i am depressed, bored, sad and anxious. how annoying i can be at times. how i often blame you for things even thought it is just me being insecure and you’ re just triggering those insecurities. yea that might be your mistake too. but it’s mostly me because i overreact. I love you and i know my actions don’t show that enough but i love you more than i have ever loved anyone. I love you unconditionally and eternally. Thanks 🖤

[ J u n e _ 1 9 // R.I.P. XXXTENTACION ]

hey. how are you doing? i wrote my last exam today. so hyped!! gonna be able to live life again.

xxxtentacion was shot in Miami yesterday. and i know there’s currently this discussion going on over what he did and if he even deserves empathy. i always adored his music [there aren’t many original versions of his songs on youtube but i’ve posted a lot of his song lyrics because they have been a big part of my life] the past couple months  so i am still going to wish him peace.. from what i heard he tried to make up for his mistakes and tried being a better person and maybe this can be reason to forgive him. i don’t like talking about people after they died. many are scared to say anything bad and the real self just gets destroyed in all the nice words. but i admit i don’t like talking bad about others either.. so.. r.i.p 

[this post does NOT support homophobia or abuse. just the message that was actively spread through art [music.] if you celebrate or think he deserved death [then you basically support the idea of death penalty] just get off my account ’cause you ain’t any better] // R.I.P. I love his music and you won’t change anything he’s done by spreading hate. he’s not a hero i get that. i won’t glamourize him and neither should anyone else. // of everyone hating rn you NEVER mentioned it when he was alive, what do you think you’re going to change now ? ya. teach people not to do the same mistakes. TEACH. don’t HATE.

i am “back” – recap 2018

i promised everyone 2018 would be the greatest year ever. and it, without a doubt, is.

so let’s start this year with my insecure, young, heartbroken self..  i literally started this year crying. pathetic, right ? yeah, 2017 has been this completely neutral and safe thing in which i just did nothing and lived. it was okay. but then my life was shattered into pieces and i guess i had to change things.

a little bit later i started dating my current boyfriend. and to be honest. that has been the first great memory this year. it was the best date i’ve ever had, the moment my life should change forever [i kid you not]. we went to an exhibition and got coffee. it was amazing. the moment i came home way too late i just realized this was right. because things you’re scared of at first are probably the ones you should be doing. and i just jumped into things i would have never done a couple months before. neveeer.

then there was the carnival and i came home drunk for the first time in my whole life. i am telling this not because i am super proud of it or something but because it was another one of the stupid things my past self would have never done. 

then my “best friend” [the girl i spent most of the time, the past couple months, with] fell in love with me. and tbh i also had feelings for her too. she was one of the reasons i changed so much. 

to be honest this year is just this big process of making mistakes, learning and just doing new stuff. so every moment is precious. i love being happy and weird with my friends but i also love myself drunk, crying at 3 am in my boyfriends bed [poor boy]. i want to figure out how to live life properly and not waste time.

so i think the biggest problem to me has always been the question what to make out of this blog. what is the message behind it ? the purpose ? what exactly will i be writing about. there have been times when i figured out a parcicular topic and sometimes i decided i would just go with the flow. i probably will be doing both but i think i need to start in order to figure things out.

so welcome. to my, going to be, safe place, my memories, experiences, simple things and deep talks. i am no one important but since when did that stop anyone ?

currently i am back at this dark place and things are sort of getting bad again. i hope i will get better soon.. 

[ J u n e 1 6 ]

so when did things got so bad again ? when did the sadness started taking over ? i was happy and thankful for every emotion i felt. too much has been going on.. i feel empty and lonely again